Our Relationship

I'm talking about my relationship with food.  This blog entry is part of me offering a tender vulnerability in the hope that it will help people.  I know whose I am, therefore I know who I am.  I know that my struggles will be a beacon of hope for other people.  I was blessed to share this with my friend Claire this week and I decided that everyone deserves to see this side of me. This is also a way to gain accountability for these struggles as I fight to end the trend of food addiction in my life.

I can't remember exactly when I realized I was "FAT".  I mean ... in elementary school I knew I was a little bigger, I knew I wasn't super skinny, wasn't blonde, had big afro hair, and big bushy eyebrows. But it wasn't until 6th grade that the realization hit me like a MACK TRUCK.  Before I share, please be clear that I am not pointing fingers or laying blame on anyone but myself and the Enemy that fights against my soul.  This just happens to be how he chose to do it. I vividly remember in 6th grade theater class - we did an exercise that involved pantomiming a word based on whatever letter of the alphabet you were given.  We'd get in line and whatever letter we landed on, we had to come up with a word to match it, act it out, and let the class try to guess it.  Without fail, no matter what letter I got, a group of cruel girls would begin yelling out awful things. F - fat, frankenstein. U - ugly. X - xtra fat. H - humungous.  Okay, you get the idea.  In an epic failure of the public school system, the teacher did absolutely nothing.  Later that year, I was walking the hallway to the bathroom during class when I heard a loud "MOOOOOOO!" from behind me.  That's right...he moo'ed at me.  Talk about destroying the little girl's heart that was inside me. 

From then on, I put on a tough act - like I didn't care what anyone said about me or to me.  I was labelled mean, cold, even a lesbian before the end of middle school.  I also gained almost 50 pounds from the beginning of 6th grade to the end of 8th grade.  During this time, my relationship with food took a drastic turn for the worst.  I began skipping lunch at school - no matter what I got or how much of it I ate - someone would make a nasty comment.  "Oh, eating a salad today, huh - so you can pig out when you get home?".   Then, I'd get home and be starving - so I'd eat whatever I could find, then eat dinner, then eat dessert.  I started getting comments from my family like "you'll get fat if you eat seconds".  I resented so much that I couldn't even get away from it at home that sometimes I would eat seconds just to spite them, but most of the time I'd hide how much I ate.  I'd take food to my room, sneak down for extra snacks before bed, and sometimes use my saved up lunch money to stop at Sonic on the way home.

Sometimes I would get a pint of ice cream, a pack of slim jims/beef jerky, chocolate bars - basically anything that sounded good. I'd eat them all before my family got home and hide the trash until people went to bed.  It's nothing less than shameful, honestly.  I remember one time my parents had given me $20 over the summer to hang out with a friend.  He was supposed to call at a certain time and didn't. When I didn't hear from him, I went to the store and spent $15 on food.  Then he called.  Then I had to admit that I had spent the money elsewhere and I couldn't hang out.  It broke my heart that my lying and bad habit had hurt someone else. I was only 13 or 14 at the time.  This hoarding/hiding of food only got worse once I a) got a job and b) started driving.  Didn't necessarily help that my first two jobs were Burger King and Papa Johns.

So, by the time I graduated college, I weighed 245 lbs.  I binge ate all the time.  I had had MULTIPLE failed relationships at that point (of course attributing all of it to me being 'not skinny enough', 'not pretty enough', 'not _____ enough').  I was depressed that I was fat - so I ate. Then I was upset at myself for eating - so I got more depressed.  So I ate. And ate. And ate.

Even though I have now dropped over 40 pounds and I'm still on the road toward HEALTH, I am sad to admit that I still struggle with compulsive overeating.  I didn't realize it until recently, but I have begun hoarding food again, hiding food, eating in secret, eating before going to share meals with friends (and eating there, too).  I try to keep all unhealthy foods out of my house, lest I eat everything in sight.  I have to play tricks on my own mind to keep me from slipping up.  Sometimes I even leave my debit/credit cards and money at home when I go to work because if not I will justify buying food instead of just eating what I prepared.  But even then, sometimes I make excuses to go out to eat (even by myself), just so I can satisy a craving. 

Okay, let's be super honest here ya'll, because honesty is the ONLY thing that brings healing.  I'm an addict.  Yes, I said it.  I'm an addict.  I'm addicted to food.  What's worse than me eating in secret and hoarding food is that, being an addict, it takes MORE food to satisfy cravings than a normal person - it takes MORE to satisfy me.  If that's not a hallmark sign of addiction, I don't know what is. 

So it's out there - I'm an addict.  This is a REAL problem, just like anorexia or bulemia, just like alcoholism or cocaine addiction.  I have allowed myself to become a slave to food.  It controls me.  I schedule my days around it.  Unfortunately - I can't live without it.  So I need accountability, I need help.  I need PRAYERS.

Today - I ate 4 chocolate chip cookies and four large meals.  I still have the second half of my foot long subway sandwich (I was trying to be healthy) sitting here by my bed.  Instead, I'm choosing to go to bed.  That's just it - as difficult as it is, as painful as it is, as much as my body LITERALLY longs for food - I have to make a choice.  The choice I have made is - I boast only in the cross of Christ. I am strengthened ONLY by the blood of Christ.  Man does not live on bread alone.  Food is chemical fuel, like for a car's engine, and that is it.  I am CHOOSING to find my satisfaction elsewhere. I am CHOOSING to find my satisfaction and my WORTH in Christ. I am choosing to take care of my body because it is a temple of Christ.

If you are struggling with an eating disorder, whether it is anorexia, bulemia, food addictions, or compulsive eating - there is help.  I am choosing to find my help in Christ and the Church.  I believe it is THE answer, but from a place of desperation my prayer for you is that you find whatever answer pulls you up from the muck and mire and sets your feet on SOLID ground.  For me, that is Christ, period. 

I hope and pray that by being honest and vulnerable, someone's heart may be strengthened, someone might turn towards Christ for their satisfaction.  I am not perfect, I struggle, I fall (hard).  But Jesus picks me back up, sets me on solid ground, reminds me that I am HIS...and I live another day.  Please know that any success I have in this weight loss journey is 100% attributed to my faith and His strength in me.  To HIM be all the glory.

Ending the Trend of Food Addiction

Nichole

My Source

It's been so interesting in the last few days and weeks. So much has changed, some things for the better, some not so much...some expected, some very surprising!  In all of it, I have been feeling somewhat convicted.  I haven't been giving glory to where my true source of life comes from.

In everything I do...He is my source.  I don't say it enough, I don't live it enough.  I pretend that I am the one pulling myself through.  Or worse, that some protein drink is my salvation.  I make it seem like I've got it all figured out, when in fact, it's only the Holy Spirit pulling me through every moment of every day.

If I haven't told you lately that Jesus loves me and has amazing plans for me, He does.  More importantly, if I haven't told you lately that Jesus loves YOU and has amazing plans for YOU...my goodness He does!

To everyone I care about, I am so sorry for not being real lately.  I'm so sorry for not showing you this side of me....because it's the most important side.  I can't do ANYTHING without Jesus...I'm sorry that I have forgotten that lately.

Nichole