Our Relationship

I'm talking about my relationship with food.  This blog entry is part of me offering a tender vulnerability in the hope that it will help people.  I know whose I am, therefore I know who I am.  I know that my struggles will be a beacon of hope for other people.  I was blessed to share this with my friend Claire this week and I decided that everyone deserves to see this side of me. This is also a way to gain accountability for these struggles as I fight to end the trend of food addiction in my life.

I can't remember exactly when I realized I was "FAT".  I mean ... in elementary school I knew I was a little bigger, I knew I wasn't super skinny, wasn't blonde, had big afro hair, and big bushy eyebrows. But it wasn't until 6th grade that the realization hit me like a MACK TRUCK.  Before I share, please be clear that I am not pointing fingers or laying blame on anyone but myself and the Enemy that fights against my soul.  This just happens to be how he chose to do it. I vividly remember in 6th grade theater class - we did an exercise that involved pantomiming a word based on whatever letter of the alphabet you were given.  We'd get in line and whatever letter we landed on, we had to come up with a word to match it, act it out, and let the class try to guess it.  Without fail, no matter what letter I got, a group of cruel girls would begin yelling out awful things. F - fat, frankenstein. U - ugly. X - xtra fat. H - humungous.  Okay, you get the idea.  In an epic failure of the public school system, the teacher did absolutely nothing.  Later that year, I was walking the hallway to the bathroom during class when I heard a loud "MOOOOOOO!" from behind me.  That's right...he moo'ed at me.  Talk about destroying the little girl's heart that was inside me. 

From then on, I put on a tough act - like I didn't care what anyone said about me or to me.  I was labelled mean, cold, even a lesbian before the end of middle school.  I also gained almost 50 pounds from the beginning of 6th grade to the end of 8th grade.  During this time, my relationship with food took a drastic turn for the worst.  I began skipping lunch at school - no matter what I got or how much of it I ate - someone would make a nasty comment.  "Oh, eating a salad today, huh - so you can pig out when you get home?".   Then, I'd get home and be starving - so I'd eat whatever I could find, then eat dinner, then eat dessert.  I started getting comments from my family like "you'll get fat if you eat seconds".  I resented so much that I couldn't even get away from it at home that sometimes I would eat seconds just to spite them, but most of the time I'd hide how much I ate.  I'd take food to my room, sneak down for extra snacks before bed, and sometimes use my saved up lunch money to stop at Sonic on the way home.

Sometimes I would get a pint of ice cream, a pack of slim jims/beef jerky, chocolate bars - basically anything that sounded good. I'd eat them all before my family got home and hide the trash until people went to bed.  It's nothing less than shameful, honestly.  I remember one time my parents had given me $20 over the summer to hang out with a friend.  He was supposed to call at a certain time and didn't. When I didn't hear from him, I went to the store and spent $15 on food.  Then he called.  Then I had to admit that I had spent the money elsewhere and I couldn't hang out.  It broke my heart that my lying and bad habit had hurt someone else. I was only 13 or 14 at the time.  This hoarding/hiding of food only got worse once I a) got a job and b) started driving.  Didn't necessarily help that my first two jobs were Burger King and Papa Johns.

So, by the time I graduated college, I weighed 245 lbs.  I binge ate all the time.  I had had MULTIPLE failed relationships at that point (of course attributing all of it to me being 'not skinny enough', 'not pretty enough', 'not _____ enough').  I was depressed that I was fat - so I ate. Then I was upset at myself for eating - so I got more depressed.  So I ate. And ate. And ate.

Even though I have now dropped over 40 pounds and I'm still on the road toward HEALTH, I am sad to admit that I still struggle with compulsive overeating.  I didn't realize it until recently, but I have begun hoarding food again, hiding food, eating in secret, eating before going to share meals with friends (and eating there, too).  I try to keep all unhealthy foods out of my house, lest I eat everything in sight.  I have to play tricks on my own mind to keep me from slipping up.  Sometimes I even leave my debit/credit cards and money at home when I go to work because if not I will justify buying food instead of just eating what I prepared.  But even then, sometimes I make excuses to go out to eat (even by myself), just so I can satisy a craving. 

Okay, let's be super honest here ya'll, because honesty is the ONLY thing that brings healing.  I'm an addict.  Yes, I said it.  I'm an addict.  I'm addicted to food.  What's worse than me eating in secret and hoarding food is that, being an addict, it takes MORE food to satisfy cravings than a normal person - it takes MORE to satisfy me.  If that's not a hallmark sign of addiction, I don't know what is. 

So it's out there - I'm an addict.  This is a REAL problem, just like anorexia or bulemia, just like alcoholism or cocaine addiction.  I have allowed myself to become a slave to food.  It controls me.  I schedule my days around it.  Unfortunately - I can't live without it.  So I need accountability, I need help.  I need PRAYERS.

Today - I ate 4 chocolate chip cookies and four large meals.  I still have the second half of my foot long subway sandwich (I was trying to be healthy) sitting here by my bed.  Instead, I'm choosing to go to bed.  That's just it - as difficult as it is, as painful as it is, as much as my body LITERALLY longs for food - I have to make a choice.  The choice I have made is - I boast only in the cross of Christ. I am strengthened ONLY by the blood of Christ.  Man does not live on bread alone.  Food is chemical fuel, like for a car's engine, and that is it.  I am CHOOSING to find my satisfaction elsewhere. I am CHOOSING to find my satisfaction and my WORTH in Christ. I am choosing to take care of my body because it is a temple of Christ.

If you are struggling with an eating disorder, whether it is anorexia, bulemia, food addictions, or compulsive eating - there is help.  I am choosing to find my help in Christ and the Church.  I believe it is THE answer, but from a place of desperation my prayer for you is that you find whatever answer pulls you up from the muck and mire and sets your feet on SOLID ground.  For me, that is Christ, period. 

I hope and pray that by being honest and vulnerable, someone's heart may be strengthened, someone might turn towards Christ for their satisfaction.  I am not perfect, I struggle, I fall (hard).  But Jesus picks me back up, sets me on solid ground, reminds me that I am HIS...and I live another day.  Please know that any success I have in this weight loss journey is 100% attributed to my faith and His strength in me.  To HIM be all the glory.

Ending the Trend of Food Addiction

Nichole

My Source

It's been so interesting in the last few days and weeks. So much has changed, some things for the better, some not so much...some expected, some very surprising!  In all of it, I have been feeling somewhat convicted.  I haven't been giving glory to where my true source of life comes from.

In everything I do...He is my source.  I don't say it enough, I don't live it enough.  I pretend that I am the one pulling myself through.  Or worse, that some protein drink is my salvation.  I make it seem like I've got it all figured out, when in fact, it's only the Holy Spirit pulling me through every moment of every day.

If I haven't told you lately that Jesus loves me and has amazing plans for me, He does.  More importantly, if I haven't told you lately that Jesus loves YOU and has amazing plans for YOU...my goodness He does!

To everyone I care about, I am so sorry for not being real lately.  I'm so sorry for not showing you this side of me....because it's the most important side.  I can't do ANYTHING without Jesus...I'm sorry that I have forgotten that lately.

Nichole

My Journey, My Story

My name is Nichole Zahand, I am a 25 year old Registered Nurse living in Dallas, TX.  I'm currently working full time in the Emergency Room and going to grad school part time.  I want to share my story with you.

I was overweight all my life.  I hit 180 lbs before 8^th grade, and passed the 200 lb mark in 9^th grade.  All the while standing 5’3” on a good day – meaning my BMI classified me as obese at the age of 15.  I was depressed all through high school and most of college.  I didn’t feel like anyone truly cared about my wellbeing. I turned to food.  Food was my comforter.  I also spent 4 ½ years of my life taking razor blades, scissors, and matches to my arm to try to mask what I was feeling.  In July of 2007, the Lord was faithful to DELIVER me from depression and self-mutilation!  But still, my addiction to food and my compulsive overeating persisted. 

I have spent so many years making excuses for myself.  At that point I knew I wanted to change my life, but no matter what I did, I couldn't lose weight.  I always thought I had to have some sort of metabolic disorder – but all my tests came back normal.  Finally, in 2008, I was diagnosed with PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome) which comes with its fair share of metabolic issues. I thought I had finally found the culprit! But still, nothing changed. By the time I graduated in May of 2009, I tipped the scales at 245 lbs. 

In November of 2009, I went in for my annual checkup, got on some new meds (Praise Jesus!) and got blood work drawn. At that appointment I weighed 238 pounds and through the blood work I discovered that my cholesterol was completely out of whack.  At the age of 23 I was on the fast track to heart disease.   With my new meds, I finally began to feel better.  However, a month later (over Christmas) I was at home in Houston with my parents. I went up one flight of stairs - when I got to the top, I couldn't breathe. I was 23 years old and couldn't get up a flight of stairs without getting winded. That was my wakeup call.  I realized that the thing that had been comforting me for so many years was actually killing me.

I immediately came home to Dallas and bought a gym membership, I found myself at the gym 3 or 4 times a week for the next 3 weeks, watching what I was eating, and keeping track of everything.  I lost 8 pounds in those 3 weeks!  At that point in time I was intrigued by the contestants on NBC’s The Biggest Loser who used the BodyBugg® to track their calorie deficit.  I decided to invest in myself.  For the next 6 months I wore the BodyBugg ® almost 24 hours a day, seven days a week.  I kept track of every ounce of food that went in my mouth. I healthified all my favorite recipes, and cut back on the Mexican food (so sad!).  In June of 2009, I found myself at my lightest weight in 8 years – I weighed in at 195lbs!!

Life happened and over the next 18 months, I found my way back up to 212 lbs. Not bad, a pound a month, but I knew it was all from lack of self-control.  One less trip to Chipotle a week, one less pint of ice cream a week, one less trip to Chuy’s a week and I would’ve maintained.  It was during that year and a half that God really got a hold of me.  He wanted to show me who I am and what I’m worth.  There’s a quote in the amazing book Captivating by John & Staci Eldridge that says that “offering a tender vulnerability can only be done by an incredibly strong woman, a woman rooted in Christ Jesus who knows whose she is and therefore knows who she is.”  I realized that God wanted me to honor him with my life, my actions, my words, AND my body, which included controlling what I ate and not being a 'slave' to food so-to-speak. He showed me that I am WORTH IT!  This is my tender vulnerability, to share with all of my loved ones what I am going through – even my WEIGHT!  I want to include you all in this journey!  I want everyone to know that this battle has already been WON by our good, good, good, good God!!!  The victory is already mine!

October 27th, 2011, I put my BodyBugg® back on, put TurboFire® in the DVD player, and started putting the right foods in my body.  December 1^st through 3^rd I will be doing a Shakeology™ 3-Day Cleanse, resting on Sunday December 4^th, and on December 5^th I will be starting a P90X®/TurboFire® Hybrid program.  I have committed not only to taking care of myself and my body, but to helping others along their journey as well.  I’m privileged and blessed to have the opportunity to give back to Beachbody ™ as an Independent Team Beachbody Coach.   This company is dedicated to helping people change their lives and do it in a HEALTHY way!  It’s not about starving yourself by only eating 800 calories a day of pre-packaged POWDERED meals, it’s not about some magic pill, and it’s certainly not about any kind of surgery.  It’s about a lifestyle change and having fun in the process!!!  I’m still in process, but aren’t we all?  Everyone has a journey to go on, whether you have 150 lbs to lose, 50 lbs to lose, or just want to tone up for the summer…Beachbody has something to offer you on your Journey!  No matter where you are on your journey, I want to be there to support you with all the encouragement, motivation, and tools that you need!
            This is not about making money, this is about taking people along for my journey and helping them on theirs!  I would be honored to be your coach, click the link below to learn more!  If you’re not interested in what Beachbody has to offer you, if you aren’t interested in changing your life, if you aren’t interested in receiving the support and motivation you need to be HEALTHY, and if you have no desire to look at Shaun T. or Chalene Johnson’s sexy abs every day…then no worries, I’ll be here when you change your mind and until then you can just join with me on my journey to a better life!  However, if you’re ready to change your life, if you’re ready to proclaim that you’re WORTH it…there’s no better time than NOW!

I still have a long way to go, but MAN I feel good. It's so worth it to take charge of my health and proclaim to the world that I am worth the effort! :-) God is my comforter, not food. HE is my source of strength, apart from Him, I can do nothing (John 15:5). 

Please join me on this journey, check back often for progress updates! I’ll be posting videos and blog entries WEEKLY!  I love you all and I can’t wait to see where this journey will take us together!

*Nichole

My Website
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Work Smart, Not Hard!

Realizing this week that it's time to start eating SMART instead of just eating LESS.

Once you get used to eating LESS, you start to learn how to eat SMART. That peanut butter may have a lot of protein in it, but it also has a lot of fat. Beef jerky may have no carbs, but it also has a lot of fat and sodium!  Okay, so peanut oils are certainly better than some others out there, but sometimes it's best to use your calories elsewhere. 2 tbsp of peanut butter is often over 200 calories and it's not filling at all. Whereas you can eat 6 - 8 oz. of lean turkey breast for the same number of calories and 1/4 the fat. Find foods that fill you up and satisfy you without breaking your calorie bank!  Get your diet to work FOR you instead of against you. 

Also, high sodium foods will BREAK a diet.  It doesn't matter how much water you're drinking, if you're eating pickles and olives and beef jerky and processed canned soups/veggies and putting salt on everything...you're sabotaging yourself...period. You will retain every ounce of water you drink so that your body can make up for the sodium intake! Stay away from those kinds of food, or choose "No Salt Added" canned vegetables or soups.  Avoid anything soaked in brine (AKA salt water/vinegar!).

Avoid the foods you can't resist!! Stock up on fresh fruits and veggies to snack on. If you are smart about your diet and how you go about this whole process, you will not have to work as hard!!

On a personal note - Jesus is amazing. I'm feeling covered by him this week as school begins to get more stressful. I'm feeling a call to patience with school as well as with this whole journey of weight loss. I have good days and bad days, but I  know that everything I'm doing is for the Glory of the Lord and I'm so thrilled about where He's going to take me in the future!

Time to sweat!

Progress and a Challenge!

As of today I've lost 10 pounds and 13.5" in 3 weeks!!  So exciting! It's nice to see progress! Sometimes you can't really tell by photos...I have so much weight to lose that it doesn't seem like it's making a difference, but I know it is!!  Just taking it one day at a time!!! Today I did Core 20 and Stretch 40 and I was DRIPPING sweat! Feels so good!!!

On December 5th, I'm going to start my P90X/TurboFire Hybrid program!!!   I want people to join me on this Challenge!!!  For those of you who join my team and do either P90X or TurboFire for 30 days WITH Shakeology every day, there will be a prize for 1) highest % of weight loss and 2) most # of inches lost!   Click Here to Join the Challenge! Make sure it has me listed as your coach. If you're not sure or have questions, just ask me!

And don't forget everyone! Challenge packs are available! The workout program of your choice, Shakeology on HD, and a free month of Team Beachbody Club membership all bundled together at a really great discounted price.  Click the link above, go to "Take the challenge" and then "Commit to get fit", and you can see the three options available. Let me know if you have any questions!



Progress!!!



 

Learning as I Burn!!

No such thing as eating small amounts of bad things for me. I have to just make them NOT AN OPTION! If I buy 4, I won't eat just one and save the rest, I'll eat them all!  Having had probems with binge eating in the past, this is something I still need VICTORY in.  So, I'm just learning about myself, no more excuses!

For God did not give you a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and SELF-CONTROL!!!

Come on, Lord! Bring it!

Ending the Trend!!

Some of you may notice that this is a new blog.  As you saw in my last post, I've gotten my motivation back to CHANGE MY LIFE!!  Now, I'm jumping on the BeachBody train!!  I'm on fire! TurboFire that is!!!  I've lost 8 pounds in 2 weeks using TurboFire!! I just ordered Shakeology and P90X!! I can't wait to get all this weight off, get healthy, and motivate others to do the same!

    Obesity is a PANDEMIC! I've been considered obese since at least the age of 12. I used to make excuses for myself, but it's time to stop making excuses and just get it done!  I've officially signed up as a Beachbody coach! This doesn't mean I have everything together, it only means that I am so passionate about ending the trend of obesity in whatever way I can!  That includes helping other people get back on track!

    Yesterday, I had my friend come work out with me and had so much fun with it!! It was so great to encourage her to finish strong! She's going to sign up with Beachbody and get her life on track, too!!!  Go Nichole Go!!!

    I'm embarassed about my 'before' pictures, so I'll post them once I have some FIERCE 'after' pictures!!  OR, if you want to see them, you can sign up for a FREE membership at https://teambeachbody.com/signup/-/signup/free/122909 and include my coach ID# at sign-up! ID #122909. There are chat rooms, message boards, and it's a great place to keep track of your workouts!!  And, if you sign-up for a club membership you have access to even more amazing features like recipes, meal planners, web chats with TOP Trainers like Tony Horton, Chalene Johnson, and Shaun T, AND you get 10% off all purchases!

    I'm so excited about this journey personally and for the way I'll be able to help others!!  I'm excited to bring all of my friends and family into it, and all of their friends and family, and THEIR friends and family, and so on and so forth!!!  So if you know anyone who's ready to change their lives for the better, send them my way!!! Here's the link to my personal coach website: https://www.beachbodycoach.com/nursenichole.  And, here's the link if they're already ready to sign up: https://teambeachbody.com/signup/-/signup/free/122909!!

    Keep checking in on this blog to see how progress against the trend of obesity is going!!